It's Alivvvveeeee!!!!

Happy Halloween!
If you didn't know, Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. Don't get me wrong. Christmas is still my favorite ( I know not to diss presents, the spirit of giving, sweaters and toboggans or little green elves for that matter) but Halloween has a special place in my heart. Maybe it's because I'm a 26 year old child raising a 2 year old child ( yeah- add that one up in your head and see if it doesn't make your fingers just twitch to call DFACS) or maybe it's just because I'm a sucker for any chance to dress up and look like a goofball out in public when you normally have to dress up as that goofball in the privacy of your own home. I am the champion of lame humor and love the opportunity to express that in full force on Halloween or basically any chance I can get.

Albeit, my costumes don't normal edge towards being a hooker like most girls/women costumes do now-a-days. My friends and I like to joke that Halloween is like a pass for most women to dress as close as they can to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman without the pesky nuisance of having a pimp or "trying to put themselves through college".

Have you seen some of the costumes they are selling now that aren't for grown women but for young girls!? Follow me on a costume journey which can be compared to a trip down Hollywood Boulevard:

Holy crap Snow White! Did the Dwarf's get hungry and try to eat your clothing for sustenance or did you slack off on the cleaning duties lately and let the moths get to your skirt? Because seriously- there is no reason for my young daughter to be THAT kind of Snow White. I mean, we are all already wondering why Ms. White lives with 7 men in the first place and this DOES NOT help her situation.
I have soooo many problems with this costume. Primarily though is the fact that it's the most ironic costume I believe I have ever seen. Yes, we know what geisha were. And yes, it wasn't the most noble of occupations but- by dear sweet dragons and firecrackers!- at least they were covered up out in public! Geisha's made up an entire culture based on demureness and mysteriousness. Did you know, the white makeup of a geisha covered the face, neck, and chest, with only two or three unwhitened areas left on the nape of the neck and a line of bare skin around the hairline. If you were lucky, a geisha would show you the inside of her wrist! Last I checked they weren't running around in mini skirts, stretched out wrist bands, and thigh high leather boots shooting Jello shots and dancing to Britney Spears on pool tables. (As I can only assume the woman above would be most prone to do.)
This last one is aptly named- Ruby, The Pirate Beauty Teen.
Seriously Ruby? Do you find it easy to swashbuckle and commandeer things when you are wearing toddlers clothing? Maybe you were shipwrecked the past few years and that's all you had but I'm almost positive that who ever saved you could of let you borrow their puffy shirt. (Oh yeah- follow that link people. Top 10 classic comedic clip right there!) Let me submit a word problem to you Ruby---ready? 1 woman plus 150 lonely pirates equals? Alright then- enough said.

One one webpage alone for girls costumes I saw words like A: frisky, B: luscious, and C: voluptuous. Over my dead body will my daughter be called any of these till she's 85 and that'll only be because A: she can still get around, B: she liked to put too much Luscious Berry lipstick on and got it all over her dentures, and C: she has gained considerable weight in her twilight years.

Thank goodness my sweet pea is only two and mommy still has some control over things like Halloween costumes. Don't get me wrong- I'll be in control later too. She'll be in turtlenecks and jeans till she's 33 as far as I'm concerned. At least for now--- the creepier the costume and not the sexier--- the happier she is. ( As am I.)

Boo to you and yours!

Ch-ch-ch-chia!

Chia hair---the fro that grows! It's fun and easy. Wash your Chia. Give it lots of love. Keep it happy- and watch it grow!

Now available at K-mart and RiteAid.

I'm Nacho Puppy!

Hola! Hello! You all look so worried! Listen, thank you for all your concern, amigos, but my body is FINE. I mean, perdon, can't a dog randomly decide to dig himself into the sofa cushions at any time in order to conserve the minute about of body heat that said dog can conjure up? Huh?

Can't I just feel like ducking into someones couch so that I can finally feel safe, and that I am in no immediate danger if all you can see are my ears? Does this have to be such a big problemo?

I just forgot to get a pedicure people! Ok? Or....or... I have a blister! You don't know anything about me--- locos!

But it has NOTHING to do with, say, Kalaya attacking me while I'm sleeping and forcing me to make nose and paw impressions in her Play-doh collection. HAHAHAHA, that's so SILLY, tontos! Now, if you'll excuse me, my caretaker needs to carry me to bed. Not because it hurts to walk on my unpedicured stumps, no, not at all, but because some of the Play-doh got in my eye and I'm finding it hard to get around the house.

Nooooooooo (yawn) I don't feel like it. I have no energy, amores. I don't WANT to sit here and hide like una rata from a cat. Maybe I will go see about gnawing a hand off one or two of her baby dolls.

Leave me now. Besos!

Trust Me- I'm a Ninja

One of Bubba's (Uncle Jeff) favorite sayings when Kalaya was little was - " Don't mess with me... my niece is a ninja" I'm not sure if he got that saying from the fact that she had insane stealth skills that allowed her to pickpocket your back pants pocket or purse in 10 seconds flat when you picked her up or the fact that she is a master of disguise.

For example:

Special Agent K ( names changed to protect the innocent) on mission in the Middle East- looking for the Cave of Wonders OR innocent Persian bystander looking for a new carpet in the local bazaar?

Special Agent K following a possible terrorist threat against the president at Martha's Vineyard OR local women's gardenclub enthusiast entertaining her guests at her annual Garden Tea party?

Special Agent K looking to bust the local drug dealer after a long night on the streets undercover OR local Shaft enthusiast looking for that bad mother - SHUT YOUR MOUTH- so she can give him her last quarters in order to support the production of his new documentary- "Shaft: A Personal Look at the Man- the Legend"?

Special Agent K infiltrating the Martha Stewart show as a guest chef in order to stop Martha's evil plans of brainwashing and taking over the world through a mind altering drug made of sugar cookies, cinnamon sticks, and plaster of paris OR soon to be Le Cordon Bleu graduate getting ready to film an infomercial for George Forman grills?

You see-- she can blend into any surroundings. She's like a ghost- the mist of a person that you thought you saw.

This talent for disguise isn't something you can just learn. It has to be in your blood-- it comes from your DNA and it's something you learn from birth- from masters in the art.

My little grasshopper is learning to tame the chi that is disguise.

And you thought the skunk costume was just for fun- so naive.

Where Does A Skunk Sit At Church?

Answer at the bottom of the post.

Saturday was our church,County Line's, annual Fall Festival. And, as promised, we managed to take tons of really cute pictures.

By far the cutest skunk ever- don't you think? She won second place in the costume contest for ages 2-4. Of course, Cousin Alex didn't disappoint in the costume area either:

Not surpisingly, the highlight of their night was not the games, hay ride, food, or never ending wave of candy. No... they can find joy in the simple things.

It was the power cable that came down to the ground in the middle of the parking lot:

And the hay spilled out on the concrete:

No matter though- they had a blast. Who am I kidding? I had a blast!

Justice couldn't come since he's so new but he managed to pull a costume out of his extensive closet for us:

What a charmer!

Next, year the Neopolitan Gang* will have awesome costumes planned.

By the way- the Maynard family is doing great and Justice is a happy lil bald guy.

* Neopolitan Gang: Kalaya=Chocolate, Alex= Vanilla, Justice= Strawberry. Think about it a minute and you'll get it.

Answer: In the PEW! hardy har har.

Don Ho's Got Nothing On Our Bubbles

First and foremost- let's give credit where credit is due:

Aloha Don! You're looking mighty snazzy these days. Bubbles** have obviously done wonders for your skin and hair. You haven't aged a day dahling!

Anywho Don- as I was saying- you've got nothing on mine and Kalaya's bubbles.

Our bubbles have been known to cause hours of joy and entertainment repeated on a nightly basis.

Your bubbles (wine bubbles that is- for those lyrical laypeople out there) have been known to also cause hours of joy and entertainment---- followed by an equally excruiciating amount of time with your head in the toliet resulting in swirlies and hurl in your socks. Neither of which sound appealing or like something you would want a repeat performance of.

No encore tonight Don.

Although- that's not to say that our bubbles don't get out of hand on occassion:

And by 'out of hand' I mean they suspiciously turn into war paint.

(Bet you'll never guess who's hiding under the bed right now as Kalaya plans her next tactical movement?)

You got it.

I would probably lay a large wager out there to say that Diesel would give his left eyeball for some of your "bubbles" on occasions now and again Don. Just enough to take the edge off.

I mean- it's as you say Don:

"Tiny bubbles in the wine, make me happy, make me feel fine, tiny bubbles make me warm all over."

** Based on Don's picture above- I've narrowed down the definition of " Bubbles" to one of three things:
1.) Botox and Just for Men
2.) The blood of 1000 virgins a la Countess Elizabeth Bathory ( ironic last name)
3.) Hawaian Tropics suntanning oil and Soul Glo...please see below:

Yeah I totally put that in there for my benefit. And just so I can now say I know you, dear reader, stooped that low and watched a Soul Glo commercial instead of spending your time on any other thing in this world that is more important then watching this. Like cleaning out your belly button or looking for that lost sock behind the dryer.

Another Bama Baby Joins the Team!!

Congratulations to Jeff and Lissa on the birth of my very first, most handsome, and spectacular new nephew!

Justice Wayne Maynard

Born October 20th, 2008 at 6:48pm

8 lbs 7.1oz

18.5 inches long

What a lil charmer!

Lissa and Justice are doing great and getting ready to go home- hopefully today.

Pray for the new family.

Pray they get enough sleep.

Pray they all stay healthy.

Pray for Justice as God is already putting his plan into place for this wonderful little man!