It's Alivvvveeeee!!!!

Happy Halloween!
If you didn't know, Halloween is one of my favorite holidays. Don't get me wrong. Christmas is still my favorite ( I know not to diss presents, the spirit of giving, sweaters and toboggans or little green elves for that matter) but Halloween has a special place in my heart. Maybe it's because I'm a 26 year old child raising a 2 year old child ( yeah- add that one up in your head and see if it doesn't make your fingers just twitch to call DFACS) or maybe it's just because I'm a sucker for any chance to dress up and look like a goofball out in public when you normally have to dress up as that goofball in the privacy of your own home. I am the champion of lame humor and love the opportunity to express that in full force on Halloween or basically any chance I can get.

Albeit, my costumes don't normal edge towards being a hooker like most girls/women costumes do now-a-days. My friends and I like to joke that Halloween is like a pass for most women to dress as close as they can to Julia Roberts in Pretty Woman without the pesky nuisance of having a pimp or "trying to put themselves through college".

Have you seen some of the costumes they are selling now that aren't for grown women but for young girls!? Follow me on a costume journey which can be compared to a trip down Hollywood Boulevard:

Holy crap Snow White! Did the Dwarf's get hungry and try to eat your clothing for sustenance or did you slack off on the cleaning duties lately and let the moths get to your skirt? Because seriously- there is no reason for my young daughter to be THAT kind of Snow White. I mean, we are all already wondering why Ms. White lives with 7 men in the first place and this DOES NOT help her situation.
I have soooo many problems with this costume. Primarily though is the fact that it's the most ironic costume I believe I have ever seen. Yes, we know what geisha were. And yes, it wasn't the most noble of occupations but- by dear sweet dragons and firecrackers!- at least they were covered up out in public! Geisha's made up an entire culture based on demureness and mysteriousness. Did you know, the white makeup of a geisha covered the face, neck, and chest, with only two or three unwhitened areas left on the nape of the neck and a line of bare skin around the hairline. If you were lucky, a geisha would show you the inside of her wrist! Last I checked they weren't running around in mini skirts, stretched out wrist bands, and thigh high leather boots shooting Jello shots and dancing to Britney Spears on pool tables. (As I can only assume the woman above would be most prone to do.)
This last one is aptly named- Ruby, The Pirate Beauty Teen.
Seriously Ruby? Do you find it easy to swashbuckle and commandeer things when you are wearing toddlers clothing? Maybe you were shipwrecked the past few years and that's all you had but I'm almost positive that who ever saved you could of let you borrow their puffy shirt. (Oh yeah- follow that link people. Top 10 classic comedic clip right there!) Let me submit a word problem to you Ruby---ready? 1 woman plus 150 lonely pirates equals? Alright then- enough said.

One one webpage alone for girls costumes I saw words like A: frisky, B: luscious, and C: voluptuous. Over my dead body will my daughter be called any of these till she's 85 and that'll only be because A: she can still get around, B: she liked to put too much Luscious Berry lipstick on and got it all over her dentures, and C: she has gained considerable weight in her twilight years.

Thank goodness my sweet pea is only two and mommy still has some control over things like Halloween costumes. Don't get me wrong- I'll be in control later too. She'll be in turtlenecks and jeans till she's 33 as far as I'm concerned. At least for now--- the creepier the costume and not the sexier--- the happier she is. ( As am I.)

Boo to you and yours!

Ch-ch-ch-chia!

Chia hair---the fro that grows! It's fun and easy. Wash your Chia. Give it lots of love. Keep it happy- and watch it grow!

Now available at K-mart and RiteAid.

I'm Nacho Puppy!

Hola! Hello! You all look so worried! Listen, thank you for all your concern, amigos, but my body is FINE. I mean, perdon, can't a dog randomly decide to dig himself into the sofa cushions at any time in order to conserve the minute about of body heat that said dog can conjure up? Huh?

Can't I just feel like ducking into someones couch so that I can finally feel safe, and that I am in no immediate danger if all you can see are my ears? Does this have to be such a big problemo?

I just forgot to get a pedicure people! Ok? Or....or... I have a blister! You don't know anything about me--- locos!

But it has NOTHING to do with, say, Kalaya attacking me while I'm sleeping and forcing me to make nose and paw impressions in her Play-doh collection. HAHAHAHA, that's so SILLY, tontos! Now, if you'll excuse me, my caretaker needs to carry me to bed. Not because it hurts to walk on my unpedicured stumps, no, not at all, but because some of the Play-doh got in my eye and I'm finding it hard to get around the house.

Nooooooooo (yawn) I don't feel like it. I have no energy, amores. I don't WANT to sit here and hide like una rata from a cat. Maybe I will go see about gnawing a hand off one or two of her baby dolls.

Leave me now. Besos!

Trust Me- I'm a Ninja

One of Bubba's (Uncle Jeff) favorite sayings when Kalaya was little was - " Don't mess with me... my niece is a ninja" I'm not sure if he got that saying from the fact that she had insane stealth skills that allowed her to pickpocket your back pants pocket or purse in 10 seconds flat when you picked her up or the fact that she is a master of disguise.

For example:

Special Agent K ( names changed to protect the innocent) on mission in the Middle East- looking for the Cave of Wonders OR innocent Persian bystander looking for a new carpet in the local bazaar?

Special Agent K following a possible terrorist threat against the president at Martha's Vineyard OR local women's gardenclub enthusiast entertaining her guests at her annual Garden Tea party?

Special Agent K looking to bust the local drug dealer after a long night on the streets undercover OR local Shaft enthusiast looking for that bad mother - SHUT YOUR MOUTH- so she can give him her last quarters in order to support the production of his new documentary- "Shaft: A Personal Look at the Man- the Legend"?

Special Agent K infiltrating the Martha Stewart show as a guest chef in order to stop Martha's evil plans of brainwashing and taking over the world through a mind altering drug made of sugar cookies, cinnamon sticks, and plaster of paris OR soon to be Le Cordon Bleu graduate getting ready to film an infomercial for George Forman grills?

You see-- she can blend into any surroundings. She's like a ghost- the mist of a person that you thought you saw.

This talent for disguise isn't something you can just learn. It has to be in your blood-- it comes from your DNA and it's something you learn from birth- from masters in the art.

My little grasshopper is learning to tame the chi that is disguise.

And you thought the skunk costume was just for fun- so naive.

Where Does A Skunk Sit At Church?

Answer at the bottom of the post.

Saturday was our church,County Line's, annual Fall Festival. And, as promised, we managed to take tons of really cute pictures.

By far the cutest skunk ever- don't you think? She won second place in the costume contest for ages 2-4. Of course, Cousin Alex didn't disappoint in the costume area either:

Not surpisingly, the highlight of their night was not the games, hay ride, food, or never ending wave of candy. No... they can find joy in the simple things.

It was the power cable that came down to the ground in the middle of the parking lot:

And the hay spilled out on the concrete:

No matter though- they had a blast. Who am I kidding? I had a blast!

Justice couldn't come since he's so new but he managed to pull a costume out of his extensive closet for us:

What a charmer!

Next, year the Neopolitan Gang* will have awesome costumes planned.

By the way- the Maynard family is doing great and Justice is a happy lil bald guy.

* Neopolitan Gang: Kalaya=Chocolate, Alex= Vanilla, Justice= Strawberry. Think about it a minute and you'll get it.

Answer: In the PEW! hardy har har.

Don Ho's Got Nothing On Our Bubbles

First and foremost- let's give credit where credit is due:

Aloha Don! You're looking mighty snazzy these days. Bubbles** have obviously done wonders for your skin and hair. You haven't aged a day dahling!

Anywho Don- as I was saying- you've got nothing on mine and Kalaya's bubbles.

Our bubbles have been known to cause hours of joy and entertainment repeated on a nightly basis.

Your bubbles (wine bubbles that is- for those lyrical laypeople out there) have been known to also cause hours of joy and entertainment---- followed by an equally excruiciating amount of time with your head in the toliet resulting in swirlies and hurl in your socks. Neither of which sound appealing or like something you would want a repeat performance of.

No encore tonight Don.

Although- that's not to say that our bubbles don't get out of hand on occassion:

And by 'out of hand' I mean they suspiciously turn into war paint.

(Bet you'll never guess who's hiding under the bed right now as Kalaya plans her next tactical movement?)

You got it.

I would probably lay a large wager out there to say that Diesel would give his left eyeball for some of your "bubbles" on occasions now and again Don. Just enough to take the edge off.

I mean- it's as you say Don:

"Tiny bubbles in the wine, make me happy, make me feel fine, tiny bubbles make me warm all over."

** Based on Don's picture above- I've narrowed down the definition of " Bubbles" to one of three things:
1.) Botox and Just for Men
2.) The blood of 1000 virgins a la Countess Elizabeth Bathory ( ironic last name)
3.) Hawaian Tropics suntanning oil and Soul Glo...please see below:

Yeah I totally put that in there for my benefit. And just so I can now say I know you, dear reader, stooped that low and watched a Soul Glo commercial instead of spending your time on any other thing in this world that is more important then watching this. Like cleaning out your belly button or looking for that lost sock behind the dryer.

Another Bama Baby Joins the Team!!

Congratulations to Jeff and Lissa on the birth of my very first, most handsome, and spectacular new nephew!

Justice Wayne Maynard

Born October 20th, 2008 at 6:48pm

8 lbs 7.1oz

18.5 inches long

What a lil charmer!

Lissa and Justice are doing great and getting ready to go home- hopefully today.

Pray for the new family.

Pray they get enough sleep.

Pray they all stay healthy.

Pray for Justice as God is already putting his plan into place for this wonderful little man!

I'm All Verklempt- Here's a Topic For You...

Does there look like there is a pattern forming here?

Exhibit A:
Exhibit B:
Exhibit C:

It would seem that my child often entertains the following Mensa endorsed-intellectual thought to rival even Stephen Hawkings:

If:

A=I cover my head

and

B=I can't see people

and

C= I'm invisible and you can't see that I'm trying to hold the dog by his backleg over the potty.

Then, A+B must most assuredly equals C!!

Now- talk amongst yourselves.

Talented and Visonary Fish Meets an Untimely and Somewhat Heinous End

Well ladies and gentlemen--- it would seem that the 2lb chihuahua had no need to worry about his safety status in our household. His personal Homeland Security Advisory System has now been reduced from:

• Code Orange- High: Hold on to your butts- the kids coming and she's got that 'look' in her eye

to

• Code Blue- Guarded: Looks like she's gone to sleep and you can come out from under the bed now but always watch your back--that 2yr old is as sneaky as a Colombian guerilla.

It would seem that the origin of small animal terror in our household is not from the toddler but sadly, from her mother.

Of course, you know we have the new puppy- Diesel. But what you didn't know is that we have ......uh hmmmmm....had a pretty blue Beta fish named Fishie Fish (I know what you are thinking- we are so original around here.The Patent office must constantly be busy with our applications)

Fishie Fish lived a quiet and mostly uneventful life. (Unless you count that one day where Kalaya decided Fishie Fish need to eat his food OUT of her hand and not just let if float down to him like normal) Matter of fact, the most eventful part of his day seemed to be when we came home in the evenings. He would stare out at us from his little bowl with hot pink rocks ( What?! Tim Gunn said men can use pink! They just have to use it in the right medium and "Make it work!") and wave his full, flowing blue tail at us as if it was a welcome home banner for long missed wayfarers. He was even trained! His favorite tricks were ' follow the finger' and 'swim in circles'. Such a talented chap- all full of pep and cheer.

Therefore, the events that occured on October 15th were a tragedy, to say the least. Even Billy Joel enthuses " Only the Good Die Young".
( Oh yes- the previous IS a video of his live performance. We have to class this blog up somehow.)

Basically the story goes as so:

Fishie Fish, albeit a pretty clean and metro type of fish did, at times, need a good bowl cleaning every now and again. I, of course, happily volunteered for this duty. ( Kalaya would have done it but she's has already previously stated that she "doesn't do windows or fish bowls".)
I helped Fishie Fish out of his dirty abode and into a nice cup of water as a temporary residence until such time when he could return to said bowl. ( Similar to the Howard Johnson or the HoJo, as it is so affectionately called in the human world.) I then preceded to clean his home, scrub his cute lil pink rocks, and feng shui his environment back into a peaceful state- all the while, he continued to practice his 'swim in circles' trick with diligence.

Once his home was detoxed of nasty cholorine and sparkling clean- I got ready to return Fishie Fish to his bowl. I tipped his "HoJo" over carefully to remove some of the extra tepid water while carefully ensuring that Fishie Fish still had enough to move about in. At this point, Fishie Fish took matters into his own hands.

Whether it was the call of the wild or the smell of fresh fishsticks that I was cooking for Kalaya that evening, something registered in his wee little brain and told him to blow this popsicle stand and make a mad dash for the exit. Sadly, it didn't end quite well for Fishie Fish.

(Like one of "those" popsicle or icecream stands where you think you're going for a nice scoop of vanilla on a hot summers day and you get there and the guy running it looks like a he just got out of prison yesterday and you can't decide if he gained his freedom judiciously or forcefully but you do know you do not want to be the sucker who asks him so you ask for a cone barely above a whisper- give him a ten and jet out of there -all the while hoping the change you left behind in your desperate sprint towards a public area won't go to a drug habit or QVC.)

Needless to say, Fishie Fish met his end at the elbow PVC pipe of my kitchen sink. I'm still sticking to the story that he jumped but, in all efforts to protect the innocent, told Kalaya that Fishie Fish is visting Daddy for the time being.

In loving memory of Fishie Fish:

"October, 2008 Fishie Fish, beloved beta fish. He was the one that was more dark blue then light blue. He swam a lot. Fishie Fish took his own life by leaping out of his fishy HoJo. The guy in the pet store said betafish do that when they are pregnant. Fishie Fish might have been a woman fish. (Explains the love of fashion and pink) He leaves behind friends (lovers?) Red Fish and Other Blue Fish and mortal enemy, Sucker Fish -that supposedly eats the algae off the side of the tank but who we secretly think used scare tactics to convience Fishie Fish to take his own life. "

"Poopkins" and Pony Rides

We took Kalaya to Pritchard Farms and the pumpkin patch this past weekend. We had planned on going to Pettit Creek Farms in Cartersville. But since gas costs me Kalaya's freshman year in college each time I fill up- we decided to stick closer to home. I didn't even realize there was a pumpkin patch so close to my house. Pritchard Farms is literally 6 miles from my house! With Kalaya being so little- we figured this could be our bye year and we could get away with going to this one.

The farm was back in the country of Aragon, GA. It was such an adorable little farm- reminded us alot of being at Nana's house. In fact, Kalaya kept walking around saying that we were at Nana's house.

They had quite a few things for her to do there. First, she went to see the petting zoo.

She got to feed the goats and the chickens. They were all babies and looooooved following Kalaya around ( she had the food you see).

After that, of course, was the pony ride. At first she didn't want to get on the pony. You would think that maybe it was because she was scared right? Think again, it was because she didn't want to ride the 2yr old sized pony- she wanted to ride the adult pony! We finally convinced her that her pony was just right for her and she sat down and held on.

Needless to say, it was a huge success! She loved riding " her pony" and talked about it all weekend long.

She also got to paint pumpkins, ride swings, and take a hay ride.

It was a great day and she had a blast.
Last night, we decided to carve our pumpkin. Daddy said this would be his job and immediately took over. Kalaya wanted a Mickey Mouse pumpkin so he had alot to deliver this year.

We were hoping that this year she would actually stick her hands inside of the pumpkin and get nice and dirty. Last year, she wouldn't have anything to do with it. So, holding our breathe, we took the top off of the pumpkin and told her to look in and see what she could see.

At this moment- she leaned over- looked in- and promptly informed us " It's poop". You should feel sorry for us, we bought a pumpkin full of poop. Do you think Wal-mart will do an exchange if we explain that to them?

We explained it was "pumpkin guts" and she soon got all into it.

Of course, that's not to say she didn't let us know what she thought about the whole process:

In the end though, we had a masterpiece.

You have to admit- Daddy's got skills.

Now only 3 more to carve- think we can do Minnie and Pluto too?

Death Becomes Him

He doesn't have a prayer........

Although he does look good as an accessory doesn't he?

Merry Christmas ya filthy animal! ... and a Happy New Year too!

Kalaya got a little piece of Christmas early this year from her daddy. We welcomed a new puppy to the family on Thursday last week. I'll have to say I was NOT interested at all in getting this as an early Christmas present. Matter of fact- the first thing that came to mind was " Can we do a Yankee Swap with our gifts ?" I think a nice homemade potholder or a meat thermometer might be a better suited Christmas present for us this year.

It's not that I don't like dogs, don't get me wrong. I love them. However, taking care of one when you are single and have all the time in the world is a HUUUUUGE difference from having a 2yr old and her attitude to take care off. Time is as rare as hen's teeth. What I do find- I don't necessarily want to spend on a dog- teaching it how to eat, where to poop, and what he can and can't do. (If you'll notice- basically- I just got another kid. Wonder if he responds to a "Look What I Did" sticker chore chart?)

Anyways, not only is that, as afore mentioned, another "child" to take care of- you have to realize what my last dog was like.

Simply stated- 170lbs.

So, needless to say, I was not excited about the new puppy. I mean, what is a dog anyways?

Here's my list of what a dog is. Let's see if it makes his case better for him:

• 
  
  Dogs lie around all day, sprawled on the most comfortable piece of furniture in the house.


• 
  
  They can hear a package of food opening half a block away, but don't hear you when you're in the same room.


• 
  
  They can look dumb and lovable all at the same time.


• 
  
  They growl when they are not happy.


• 
  
  When you want to play, they want to play.


• 
  
  When you want to be alone, they want to play.


• 
  
  They are great at begging.


• 
  
  They will love you forever if you rub their tummies.


• 
  
  They leave their toys everywhere.


• 
  
  They do disgusting things with their mouths and then try to give you a kiss.

In conclusion: They're little men in fur coats.

Doesn't look too well for our little furry friend here.

However, this little guy grew on us pretty quickly. He's registered so, of course, we had to come up with an awesome name. Sadly, he ended up as Kalaya's Alabama Diesel. Poor dog- never had a chance.

At least Daddy didn't come home with this:

Something would have come early for daddy--- and it wouldn't have been Christmas.

Kriss Kross Will Make Ya JUMP JUMP!

( Does that title make anyone else think about the movie Mrs. Doubtfire or is that just me?)

We took Kalaya to Monkey Joe's this past weekend. It was kind of a 'spur of the moment' thing. After playing shy and coy, Kalaya eventually got the hang of it and really started to enjoy it. Of course, I couldn't leave her side or the tears of abandonment would ensue. Which, in turn, meant that it was necessary that I fit my 6foot tall self into places no one bigger then Elmo should attempt to squeeze into.* Bubba and Lolly dropped by too and got to see her climb the big kids slide.

Needless to say, it was the place to be. The place got overrun with kids in no time. Of course, just to ease your sense of worry about me- I wasn't allowed to play on the bigger slides with her because - and I quote this from the 15yr old running the front desk- " Adults can only play on the ones marked for 3 and under because an adult was on the bigger ones in Wisconsin and slide down and killed some kids" Thank you, Miley Cyrus, for that concise and to the point explanation. I feel loads better about my 25lb 2yr old jumping on the inflatable monkey of doom.

The day before we went to Grana's house and got to visit with Aunt Sandy and Uncle Doug. Bubba and Lolly came over as well for a hotdog dinner. We got to spend some quality time outside in the Fall weather.

I just love fall! I love the leaves, the cool mornings, the smell of hay being cut, our neighborhood cows, pumpkins, cinnamon smells, bonfires, fairs, scarecrows, hayrides, leaves----sigh--- basically everything.

I hope to get my yard ready for a bonfire this fall. I want to get Nana and Grandaddy to come help me cut some bushes down and dig out a good spot for it. Maybe circle it with some of Nana's rocks she has in Alabama- maybe build a couple of benches. I can't wait.

Check out this neat idea for pumpkins-- http://www.bhg.com/holidays/halloween/pumpkin-decorating/decorating-pumpkins-without-carving/

I want to get started on making those pretty soon. I think it's a totally neat option for kids. Maybe this year, when we do carve a pumpkin, Kalaya will get good and dirty in the pumpkin guts. Last year she wouldn't have much to do with it.

For Halloween last year, Kalaya was a punk fairy. This year she's going to totally rock the skunk costume.

She'll be debuting it at the Fall Festival at County Line! It will be October 25th from 6pm till 8pm if anyone is interested in joining us! I'll be dressing up as well but I can't tell you what it is right now- you'll just have to wait to see it!

Kalaya's first cousin Justice Wayne Maynard is due this Sunday October 12th!! We can't wait till he gets here. So far they are expecting him to be a big boy at 8lbs. Poor Lolly.

I get to spend the first few days with them, helping them around the house and with Justice. What an honor! I can't wait till he gets to see his favorite and most gorgeous Aunt Sara.

Pray for Lolly and Bubba and Justice. Pray that the Lord will take care of them and keep them in his hands.

Justice couldn't pick a better mommy and daddy to come home too. What other lil boy gets to come home to an Alabama babyroom! Roll Tide Roll!

Lolly is going to kill me for posting this picture.

* Footnote: What happened to when this was all fun and easy? Nowaday's blow-up boucy things equal excruciating back pain and headaches. Don't even get me started on trampolines! That's like a death trap for anyone over 21.